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I dont think a lot of people sit around and contemplate their lives. I mean, people think about their futures and what theyre going to do, and what they should have done in order to achieve something, but I dont think anyone contemplates their present. What theyre doing right now. Everyones heard of living in the moment or whatever, but I think very few people act on it. Myself included and thats something that I regret immensely.
Life is a finite thing. Obviously, everyones life is going to end, but mine has a time limit. No surprises for me, and depressingly enough, that time limit is going to run out rather soon. Ive never really told anyone how long I have left, or what exactly (in great detail) is wrong with me, because I would rather myfriends viewed me as a vital, volaile, rather silly human beings, but at age 21, most people dont understand or know how to contemplate the thought that someone you know, they would abandon me for more secure, lasting relationships.
So everyday, every minute is vital to me, the most mundane things are breaths of fresh air. The things that most people take for granted but shouldnt – a kiss, a pudding fight, a good long walk or an intriguing conversation – are now intensely important to me, and I think they should be important to everyone. The fact that I know I wont be able to experience these things makes them achingly more important to me, and they make me desperate
to achieve them one more time.
I want to close my eyes and kiss a girl one more time; the kind of kiss that makes you feel like youre floating, the kind where you forget to do something with your hands because its so good. I want to go camping, and lay in the grass and think how naively beautiful the day is. I want to shoot off fireworks and run away when the cops pull up. I want someone to hold my hand and te ll me something nice about myself. I want to be able to read the paper and deride George W. to someone, and have them hate that asshole with me. I want to sit on a stoop late into the night, drinking shitty beer and telling stories. I want to feel alive, and not dead or dying, and think that those things – the most trivial and passing connections to the world and people in it – are violently important.
So this is my contribution to you. Im desperately telling you – all of you- to take advantage of your youth and vitality. I hear too many people talking about college and getting shitty jobs afterward. I hear too many people talking about work and how this and that sucks. Fuck, were all wasting our lives doing things that disconnect us from everyone else! You dont need a four or five year plan, and you sure as hell dont need to worry about feeling innocent and immature again. Worry about making everyday something to talk about, and