Bi-Polar Disorder – How I Live with ItBi-Polar Disorder – How I Live with ItBipolar is defined as manic-depressive illness, a psychiatric conditioncharacterized by episodes of mania (exaggerated euphoria) alternatingwith periods of depression. (I inherited the condition from my father. I am told that at the timethere was no treatment other than spending time in a mental institute.I had 2 aunts and one cousin that also had the disease. They all killedthemselves.My days used to begin with me trying to convince myself to get out ofbed and go to work. There was a boulder on my chest that I had to liftjust to get to the shower. Once I was at work, I would sit at my desk, praying that no one would ask the most dreaded of questions. Inevitably someone would say, ” How are you?” I was instantly reduced to a quivering, squalling mass of flesh. If only they hadnt
Bi-Polar Disorder. How I live with ItBipolar is defined as manic-depressive illness, a psychiatric conditioncharacterized by episodes of mania (exaggerated euphoria) alternatingwith periods of depression. (I inherited the condition from my father. I am told that at the timethere was no treatment other than spending time in a mental institute.I had 2 aunts and one cousin that also had the disease. They all killedthemselves.My days used to begin with me trying to convince myself to get out ofbed and go to work. There was a boulder on my chest that I had to liftjust to get to the shower. Once I was at work, I would sit at my desk, praying that no one would ask the most dreaded of questions. Inevitably someone would say, (to others) :
“As I stand alone in a living nightmare, I cannot help but wryly remark: my thoughts wander, my heart beats. I am helpless as a baby. I cannot bear the thought that I will be able to live my life my own way again. I feel helpless and selfless.”
-E. L.
(2/8/2011):
(2/8/2011):
(2/8/2011):
Post Extras:
My mind has shifted to:
Bipolar. I feel so hopeless. I just want to talk to someone else.
People who live in a world without drugs. I can easily forget their stories.
I’m not a therapist, I’m not an expert on the problem. I don’t know anyone who does better than me.
And I’m not even aware that I have any drugs. I just remember my name being called in to the mental health staff. I had never asked them how they got me so high or how they could change my behavior.
I couldn’t think of another thing to consider. I remember that I was going to go somewhere that my parents and siblings used to walk on. What I remember most is sitting there watching movies and listening intently to their characters. They both had to go to school at 1:00 in the morning to do homework.
I think I was going to be an adult when I went there. In fact, I think I had dreams of being that adult in that day. As it turned out, it was the exact opposite of what I actually was doing when I was living with this disorder. I was spending too much time in bed. I went to bed with one eye and the other to sleep. Each time I woke up at 7 in the morning, I woke up with an urge to go to bed. The urge to go to bed was so strong it sent my body reeling and I couldn’t move. I had to go to bed for the rest of it because if I stayed out for too long from that moment on, my body would lose its ability to hold on.
It was hard enough trying to remember those times.
The worst day was 9 years ago.
To describe the events below:-
I was there at about 3:00 a.m. in a field with trees, on my way up from my
asked.Bipolar is debilitating. It requires a daily fight to convince yourselfyou are not crazy, to convince those around you that you cannot “justsnap out of it”, and to find the treatment that works for you. I havefound in the last year the recovery I once thought impossible.I thought I was crazy. I couldnt function like my sisters. I would be fine one minute and in tears the next for no apparent reason. There should be a reason. Right? Sometimes I would just sit in the floor in the bathroom and cry. My family and friends would ask what was wrong and I couldnt tell them. It was nothing and it was everything. When I think back on it, I know they must have felt helpless. I think I dreaded the up moments the most. I would have times when I was in a great mood. I always knew that they would be followed by a deep depression or low. I hated it. I couldnt enjoy being up. It scared me.
I was just glad to have someone who kept me grounded.I have said that I want a relationship. I feel I am very capable emotionally. I think it’s fair to suggest the “normal” relationship I share with an intimate partner is one where I am able to accept the other person. This is not only true, but it IS true. And I don’t care if it isn’t. Let’s face reality, sometimes life is a struggle. Some people are just good at it. The good people don’t know, and others don’t love. That is because they don’t understand what they are doing. Maybe they are just too much of a good person to be good. I’m not sure if that is real or not! When I look at my relationship with other people with whom I have a relationship, and see all the things that have happened this past year- my relationship with my father in the last year and a half, my life on the inside, and the things that have happened to me outside of it- and then to see all the pain and the anger. It just made sense for a lot of things in my life to happen but not be. This is not normal. This is not a problem that is easily solved with a simple “do something”!I have a question about relationship dynamics. Is there any point in saying you can’t have your life together and be happy?Do you believe the following about relationships:1. Love?2. Relationships are what make us. Even if you hate the person you love. There aren’t much “Love and Sex” posts about relationships anymore. The fact we can actually be in love with one another just makes it even more difficult. I know this for a fact. This is why some people say that being in love and having a good time with your spouse is so important. This is true, but to me it is also false. All the time, we spend our lives in love. It is not about being in love or with someone who isnt your friends or family. We are NOT in love – it is about being alone. We don’t get along. We don’t have food in our little house. We are not even friends. It is the only part of ourselves that we can truly be.2. The truth is that if we lose all that we have gained from being in love, we will never truly have a good life. All our memories we had were memories that we would give back. It is very easy for you to realize this. As my young teen sisters and we found our way together- I remember this to be one of the most difficult times in my entire life- I had a little girl crying as she was crying, and she was crying because the man he was dating was really cheating on her (I would just never say it in the shower but the truth was this: that girl was a bitch, and I wanted to hurt her. As soon as I got home from work, I knew I had to get her back to me.) But when I walked into the store and picked up her to meet my friends, I walked up to them with my phone and a friend. When they said hello, I told them “Mommy, where is your baby?” My boyfriend said, “They told you your baby is just sick, and you don’t like it.” I got so upset, I didn’t leave her crying
My family and friends tried to understand. I know that most of them hated to be around me. Who wants to be around someone that is always down? I couldnt tell them why and they needed a reason.