Draft to Thhgtg
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There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.
There is another which states that this has already happened.
ÐÒIll tell you a story,ÐÒ said Arthur.
ÐÒGood.ÐÒ
ÐÒWhich will tell something of the sort of things that happen to me. Its absolutely true.ÐÒ
ÐÒYou know sometimes people tell you stories that are supposed to be something that happened to their wifes cousins best friend, but actually probably got made up somewhere along the line.ÐÒ
ÐÒWell, its like one of those stories, except that it actually happened, and I know it actually happened, because the person it actually happened to was me.ÐÒ
ÐÒTell me the story,ÐÒ said Fenchurch firmly. ÐÒYou arrived at the station.ÐÒ
ÐÒI was about twenty minutes early. Id got the time of the train wrong. I suppose it is at least equally possible,ÐÒ he added after a moments reflection, ÐÒthat British Rail had got the time of the train wrong. Hadnt occurred to me before.ÐÒ
ÐÒGet on with it.ÐÒ Fenchurch laughed.
ÐÒSo I bought a newspaper, to do the crossword, and went to the buffet to a cup of coffee.ÐÒ
ÐÒYou do the crossword?ÐÒ
ÐÒYes.ÐÒ
ÐÒWhich one?ÐÒ
ÐÒThe Guardian usually.ÐÒ
ÐÒI think it tries to be too cute. I prefer The Times. Did you solve it?ÐÒ
ÐÒWhat?ÐÒ
ÐÒThe crossword in the Guardian.ÐÒ
ÐÒI havent had a chance to look at it yet,ÐÒ said Arthur, ÐÒIm still trying to buy the coffee.ÐÒ
ÐÒAll right then. Buy the coffee.ÐÒ
ÐÒIm buying it. I am also,ÐÒ said Arthur, ÐÒbuying some biscuits.ÐÒ
ÐÒWhat sort?ÐÒ
ÐÒRich Tea.ÐÒ
ÐÒGood choice.ÐÒ
ÐÒI like them. Laden with all these new possessions, I go and sit at a table. And dont ask me what the table was like because this was some time ago and I cant remember. It was probably round.ÐÒ
ÐÒAll right.ÐÒ
ÐÒSo let me give you the layout. Me sitting at the table. On my left, the newspaper. On my right, the cup of coffee. In the middle of the table, the packet of biscuits.ÐÒ
ÐÒI see it perfectly.ÐÒ
ÐÒWhat you dont see,ÐÒ said Arthur, ÐÒbecause I havent mentioned him yet, is the guy sitting at the table already. He is sitting there opposite me.ÐÒ
ÐÒWhats he like?ÐÒ
ÐÒPerfectly ordinary. Briefcase. Business suit. He didnt look,ÐÒ said Arthur, ÐÒas if he was about to do anything weird.ÐÒ
ÐÒAh. I know the type. What did he do?ÐÒ
ÐÒHe did this. He leaned across the table, picked up the packet of biscuits, tore it open, took one out, and…ÐÒ
ÐÒWhat?
ÐÒAte it.ÐÒ
ÐÒWhat?ÐÒ
ÐÒHe ate it.ÐÒ
Fenchurch looked at him in astonishment. ÐÒWhat on earth did you do?ÐÒ
ÐÒWell, under the circumstances I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do. I was compelled,ÐÒ said Arthur, ÐÒto ignore it.ÐÒ
ÐÒWhat? Why?ÐÒ
ÐÒWell, its not the sort of thing youre trained for, is it? I searched my soul, and discovered that there was nothing anywhere in my upbringing, experience or even primal instincts to tell me how to react to someone who has quite simply, calmly, sitting right there in front of me, stolen one of my biscuits.ÐÒ
ÐÒWell, you could…ÐÒ Fenchurch thought about it. ÐÒI must say Im not sure what I would have done either. So what happened?ÐÒ
ÐÒI stared furiously at the crossword,ÐÒ said Arthur. ÐÒCouldnt do a single clue, took a sip of coffee, it was too hot to drink, so there was nothing for it. I braced myself. I took a biscuit, trying very hard not to notice,ÐÒ he added, ÐÒthat the