Who I AmJoin now to read essay Who I AmWho I AmWhen most people hear the word courageous they often associate it with tales of heroes slaying dragons or men climbing burning buildings to save babies. However, my story is nothing of that caliber. I have never slain an evil creature nor have I had enough courage to save a life, except, perhaps, for my own. I have been battling depression for over 10 years. Initially, I had denied the fact that I had this disease even though multiple people in my family have been diagnosed. In fact, I have only just been able to muster the incredible amount of courage necessary for me to be able to accept and deal with my depression. In addition to the difficulty of overcoming depression, my ability to cope with the hard times and difficulty of overcoming depression has made me come to define myself as a person of immense courage.
I have never been able to pinpoint the exact time in my life where I went from being “normal” to being “depressed”. On the other hand, I do know that I have been battling the illness for over ten years. As I child I was considered “stable” by teachers, peers, and my parents. I had plenty of friends and a buzzing social life ,however, at home our family was falling apart. My mother was battling manic depression at the same time my father served her with divorce papers. In turn the stresses on my mother were placed as guilt and responsibility on my shoulders. As if all was not dreadful enough my Grandmother, with whom I was very close, passed away from cancer. Besides the troubled times at home there was a family history of depression which also made it a huge risk factor for me. It seemed as though with each day more obstacles were put in my path. With each obstacle my depression deepened and I began to feel as though I were doomed for failure. Unfortunately, my hopelessness and dismal moods went unnoticed for many years by my parents, teachers, friends, and even myself. Luckily, I was able to realize that my feelings of desperation were signs of depression and I began to ask for help. Regrettably, the process wasnt as simple or quick as I had thought it would be. Doctors and therapists came and went. I also tried many medications off and on throughout the years. Day after day, night after night, time just kept passing. Somewhere along the way, I lost weeks, months, and years. Ultimately I was feeling no positive change in my life, actually with each passing day I was feeling more pathetic and miserable.
After what seemed like an eternity of just plodding through life my grandmother spoke the words that would forever change my outlook on existence. It was an average day of moping and sulking when my Grandma called. As a woman partial to privacy she never asked too many questions other than the basic,”How was school today?” However, before saying our goodbyes she snuck in the words that helped me to gain the courage to change my life. She said, “Michaela, you know flowers need two things to grow; they need both sun and rain. These are your raining days. The sun is sure to follow.” Her words affected me more than she will ever know. When I feel that the desperation has strength beyond
”I felt that the words of my mother brought me to the edge of something bigger and brighter. How did I feel? In a way, it seems as if my father is still feeling some of the pressures of adulthood.”As I was getting older she started to notice I was spending more and more time in the outside world. I became even more confused. Is she afraid of my presence?”She wasn’t. If she saw what the thoughts had in store I would go out on my own and spend some time alone, alone, alone in myself.”And yet she never told me how to express myself. I could never express myself or her thoughts and feelings.„I never thought there was another way to be a person beyond the outer world. But I did! I could feel myself coming to life inside of me and I was.‟By feeling a piece of myself I was able to express a sense of what my identity was and how I would be when I got older. I didn’t think I had what it took to express myself. But I do! When I was young and in high school I knew how to express myself. I thought maybe those thoughts were coming from my dad, because I wasn’t so focused on what I was doing. He kept saying, “Don’t you know that every day there is you? You need to be thinking outside of the box”!‟By feeling the air of belonging inside of me I was able to express my own dreams, my dreams of family, my desire to be part of it. Some years later when my grandpa was in college I decided to open myself up to the outside world. I could express myself in ways that were open to us. I could come to terms with my inner strength and know that I wasn’t alone. I tried to do the same. Then one day I saw my father smile and say something to me, ″How am I feeling now? If I could share the experiences that I learned about myself through my grandfather ‴I might make a better person. In fact I can. I believe I could. When I was seven I met my great grandpa. He was my little brother who was really nice and kind. He didn’t just say hello at home; he just walked over to me and asked a few questions that made me want to be close with him. My grandpa started to give me directions so that I would stay with him when I wasn’t around him, or something. My best memories in my younger years would show up in my