Switching in Two Different Worlds – Personal Essay
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Since I was born in a predominately Latino populated suburb of Los Angeles, the more common languages spoken in the community were English and Spanish. Coming from an Armenian family, the first language I learned before even starting school was Armenian. After beginning my education, I thought it was necessary for me to consciously, as Denby explains, to be “hop-scotching between different cultural and linguistic spaces and parts of our own identity”(Denby). At home the spoken language was Armenian, and at school it was English. I realized after code-switching at school and recognizing that it made me fit in, I eventually preferred to speak English because it made me feel connected to the majority living in the United States. There is beauty in every culture and language, yet growing up in my community, I felt as if I was drifting away from my very own identity just because my culture and language was not the common one. It was every day in the beginning of middle school that I felt I was adapting more to American culture and detaching from the culture of my home. I am a firm believer that people can assimilate into American culture, but can still successfully retain their original culture.
Although I believe it is very important to learn about other cultures to live and work together in a society, I wanted to understand my own culture before appreciating any other. In order to do that, I knew I must talk with my parents who have the Armenian world views passed down from my grandparents.
My parents know enough English to get by living here, but my grandparents are only able to communicate with me in Armenian. At the dinner table, everyone would always ask me to speak Armenian, but I only spoke when it was necessary, not because I ever wanted to. I always asked questions like, “Why do I speak Armenian if I live in America?” and states such “What is so important about the Armenian culture?”I saw many students embracing their Hispanic cultures discussing their dishes and traditions, and I knew I myself had a culture worth embracing. As a child, I was involved mostly in my school activities that revolved around the American or other cultures I was only in middle school, but I wanted to discover who I was and about my cultural and familial traditions.
Experiencing this inner separation, I asked my mother to sign me up for Armenian dance classes. I got to learn many traditional dances such as: shalaxo, tonakan, kochari,and bert. The different dances represent the dominant religion of Christianity and the various regions in Armenia. Through my new efforts of being involved with my Armenian culture, I was learning more about my ethnic origin. This opened doors of deep cultural experiences at weddings, family gatherings, and traditional celebrations. I listen to different genres of music in English and various languages. However, there is no language or genre that has me up on my feet dancing or on my knees crying, as Armenian music does at parties, weddings, and at home.
Since I have received an education in the United States, I am not as articulate in Armenian as I am in English; therefore, my mother also signed me up for classes where I was able to learn the basics of Armenian reading and writing. I was getting the best of both worlds by being able to enjoy my American culture while discovering my Armenian one. After a short period, I started recognizing the significance of my native culture and language. It gave me the ability to communicate more efficiently, and knowing that I am learning the history of language form 405 AD, helps me understand my people more and develop a powerful connection of them. Even though I am proud to be an American, it unfortunately does not present the same feelings of intimacy, unity, and endearment that my Armenian culture and language bring forth.
One of the very realizations with regard to the American language, is that there are just many words that are intimate in the Armenian that would sound very peculiar if said and when spoken in or translated into English. In most cases, these terms would lack the power and impact of their meaning in Armenian. Armenians like to say, “tsavat tanem,” meaning “let me take your pain away.” We also tend to say “jigyarut ootem,” which translates as “let me eat your liver.” There are many words of intimacy that would sound very bizarre to use in an English context. People would be horrified if I said, “let me eat your liver.” The Armenians and some other ancient cultures believed that emotion and feeling comes from the gut, the primary organ being the liver. When my friends ask me, “Hey Emanuil how is it going?” it doesn’t compare to the feeling of when someone tells me “Emo jan, vonces (Emanuil dear/body, how are you?)”. The word “jan” translates as meaning body, soul, or dear, but we use it as an appended word to display our affection and respect to those who we hold closely. I feel much more intimacy in words used in Armenian vocabulary than in English because those who share the same blood and history as me are very sacred people to me. I would rather hear my mother tell me “Barev kyankus, esor voncer orut,” which would sound extremely weird to me in English, “Hey my life, how was your day?” We use the terms such as “kyankus (my life)” in a similar way that Americans use “honey” or “dear”. However, I would feel no words of endearment if my mother told me, “Hey honey,” instead of “Barev kyankus (Hello my life).
In English I never use these intimate words because they are usually only found in romantic settings, but I frequently use them in conversation with Armenian speakers. I think of myself American through and through, but Armenian is my heart language. My language makes me feel at home, as if I am not an outsider in this large world, and this intimacy brings comfort in my life. I feel as if I am united to the people of my nationality. I speak English most of the time throughout