Survivor Case
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Im sitting in in a room so quiet I can hear the ticking on the wall. However, at that moment I could hear the blood pumping through my, veins. The heavy anxiety of my constant worry pulling down on my normally sunny outlook on all things. Suddenly aware of the shadows under the door and the and the quiet voices in the hall shuffling papers and then what seemed to be the slowest turning door handle in the world all my waiving would be me with an answers! As I scanned the doctors face for even the slightest sign of good news. I found none even before he began to speak my heart sank with despair. When he said those words that no person wants to hear “Julie there is no easy way ever to say this to a patient in youre left ovary. I sat there suddenly cold and felling exposed under the thin blue paper gown that would become a basic wardrobe of mine for the next nine months.
The doctor continued to go into details but I dont remember what they were the res of the visit. I had gone inside my own head and was just trying to stay afloat I felt like I was drowning. I jus kept thinking what Okay, okay, its going to be okay. When? My haiR? I just wanted to let him finish so that I could get out of there so that I can throw up without being seen. Shut up I screamed inside my head then he did. He gave me a couple of cards and a few contact names etc. and said that he would see me next week and I should try to go home and just relax because I was going to need all my resources and strength in the coming months. Then he turned leaving me sitting alone, cold exposed.
What now? So may thoughts feeling emotions colliding together in my head. What about my kids? What about out all my plans? How? Im only 25 so many whoa is me scenarios ran through my head. How tragic too young in my thought process continued like this for the next few days. Until my best friend came to visit against my wishes. She came and sat next to me on the bed, I hadnt bothered to get out of and she said ” are you really going to lay here and give up are you going to forfeit the game cause the other team told you that you didnt stand a chance. The Julie I know would look the other team in the eye and say bring it. Then slam it out of the park look back at the other team and better luck next time. Then she kissed my forehead squeezed my hand kissed my forehead and left me laying there angry that she didnt get it, angry she didnt have it. How can she say that? This was not a game this was my life……. Oh shit this was my life!!!! In that moment of self pity and anger at the world my best friend who knew me so well said the words no one else could in a way I could understand. Was I going to give up because I was told I have cancer or was I going to suit up show up and play my best game ever. I wasnt a quitter that accepted cant as a word in my vocabulary. I was a fighter that wont