The Finality of Life
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Sitting alone in my room, working on some homework, it seemed to be a normal, uneventful day in my fourteen-year-old existence. I could hear footsteps ascending the staircase leading up to my room and I am thinking, “What does she want? All I want is some peace and quiet!” Of course my mother opened the door, and as I looked over to her, a sad, yet serene expression washed across her face.
“Julie, Grandma passed away today,” she said.
“Oh Ð thats horrible,” is all I could say. Instantly, memories of my childhood flooded through my mind. I spent countless weekends with her watching her cable television because I never had it at home, playing in her backyard, and eating macaroni and cheese practically every time I visited. Shes really gone. We all knew, however, that it was coming. She battled Alzheimers disease for years, and it finally took the last breaths she had. It seemed like only a few shorts weeks ago when my father and I visited her at the nursing home. I couldnt help but smile a little when remembering how she introduced us as her niece and nephew to the nursing home staff and residents. The disease was cruel and it stole away her ability to think and remember things accurately; she hadnt known the real me for years! Reflecting on the sudden news, I realized that although I feel sad, its okay because Grandma is in a better place now.
At age six, I lost my grandfather on my fathers side to multiple heart attacks due to a lifetime of smoking. Like most children who experience the death of a loved one, I was sad over the loss, but overall unscathed because I did not fully understand the concept of death. Years later, at age twelve, my great-grandmother on my mothers side passed away. Having not experienced the passing of a loved one for quite some time, I was very downcast. Because the death was expected, however, we as a family were able to accept the loss quickly. So far, the two deaths I had experienced were unfortunate, but not particularly difficult for me to handle. At age fourteen, I was faced with yet another family member passing away; my grandmother on my fathers side due to Alzheimers disease. Her death was the toughest to overcome because both of my fathers parents were gone, and the shock that I only had two grandparents left (on my mothers side) set in. Even though I was somber for several days over her passing away, I was still able to move on in a timely manner. We have all heard stories of grief-stricken family members mourning the deaths of their loved ones for weeks, months, even years. Why was I never inundated with grief and affliction? Was there something wrong with me? Or did I just have my own way of dealing with the deaths that was different from others?
Death is a significant part of life, one in which everyone must face. The grief that is experienced afterwards is another natural part of life and no two people grieve exactly the same way. For many people, the initial reaction is shock and disbelief, and physical reactions such as heart palpitations, shortness of breath, and dizziness often occur (Martin 1). Other physical reactions that lead to temporary changes in behavior can occur, such as sleeplessness and changes in appetite, and one can even have nightmares about the deceased (Martin 1). The emotional response to the death is just as varied among individuals as the physical response. People often have feelings of fear, hostility, apathy, emptiness, and they can develop depression, extreme anger, and sadness (Martin 1). When dealing with the deaths of my loved ones, specifically the ones that occurred when I was older, I experienced sadness, numbness, and disbelief. My reactions were not as strong and long lasting as some, but I did feel the initial shock and pain that almost always accompanies the news of a loved one dying.
When suffering from a terminal illness or coping with the loss of a loved one, people often go through the five stages of grieving. Each stage is difficult in its own way, and individuals may experience several at the same time or out of order (CareNotes 2). The first stage is denial; we often do not want to believe the death happening to our families and us (CareNotes 2). Denial was a big part of my familys grieving process, as my grandmother did not want to accept that her mother was gone. When a family member is around for so long, at times we unintentionally take them for granted, and our world goes into disarray when they die. The second stage involves feeling angry because, in most cases, we have no control over what has happened (CareNotes 2). Anger was not a part of my grieving process because I viewed the deaths as my loved ones going to a better place. The third stage is bargaining; making secret deals with yourself and/or God to do things better if you can only have a little more time with the deceased (CareNotes 2). This is the more religious aspect of the grieving process, and I did not experience this phase at all. I did not wish for my grandparents and great grandmother to remain on earth because they were suffering before they died. The next stage is depression and beginning to understand and mourn the loss (CareNotes 2). Looking back on my experiences, I feel as if I skipped the anger and bargaining stages and entered right into mourning. The deaths of my loved ones were no shock because they all suffered from illnesses coupled with old age, so sadness and grief was one of the first emotions I felt. The final stage is acceptance, as one becomes open and aware of all the issues and feelings surrounding the death, and is calm and collected about moving on (CareNotes 2). I was able to accept the deaths of my grandparents and my great-grandmother quickly and smoothly because the deaths were expected and probably because I was much younger and did not fully the grasp the reality of death. My grieving process involved shock, sadness, and quick acceptance, but the process varies for each individual.
How we mourn the loss of loved ones varies not only by physical and emotional reactions, but by culture as well. According to Kathleen R. Gilbert, we experience the passing away of loved ones through death systems, which are, “the interpersonal, socio-physical and symbolic network through which an individuals relationship to mortality is mediated by his or her society” (Gilbert 1). In the Christian faith, the bodies of the deceased are often [but not always due to the other option of cremation] placed on view at a funeral parlor for loved ones to express their condolences and bid their final farewells (Martin 1). Many times the family and friends of the deceased gather at ones home or at a restaurant to share memories of the deceased and to celebrate his or her life (Martin 2). In