Hit and Run
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JANUARY 1, 2007
Its like Im dead. But Im not, I guess Im just dead to my surroundings or everyone is just trying to make me feel that way. I walk through the crowed halls at my school, no one turns a head, no one smiles, its like Im walking through a bunch of ghosts, or am I really the ghost? There are so many questions that I try to answer in the back of my head while Im taking these steps to home room. Everyone usually feels sorry for the person who has no friends or is considered a freak. Not in my case, no one ever talks to me, so I never talk to them. I am what you would consider a nobody, a freak, a loner. Yet really Im none of those, because no one even knows my name.
People call it the New Year, a new year to change things you dont like about yourself. Yet its really hard for me to do that, because I dont even think I know myself. All I know is that I go to school get good grades, except in math, run cross country, go home, wash my hands, do my homework, and lay in bed, I never actually fall asleep. My parents say I have a problem, a mental one. I say its because Im related to them. Theyll never understand me, and Ill never understand them, thats just the way its going to be. They have to deal with it, even if they say they cant.
JANUARY 2, 2007
Im hesitating. I cant feel a thing. I took something this morning. I cant tell a soul, even though there is no one to tell. I look down the hall to first period. Seems like theres three miles between me and the door, like Im running a race. Breath I tell myself, just breath, stop thinking, just breath. Ive made it, to my destination, if you call it a destination in itself. The school day is such a blur to me, nothing merely interesting. Same thing everyday, no one speaks to me, no one looks at me, nothing. My eyes hurt; Im staring too hard at something, or someone in that matter. The only good thing about being ignored is that you can do stuff and people wont notice but if you were normal, people would notice in a minute. Im still staring, yet my thinking has stopped. Oh shit, hes staring back. Ill keep staring, maybe he has no idea, maybe he is just looking right through me, as so everyone does. “Hi” I just want to say, I open my mouthnothing happens. Oh well, theres always tomorrow. Or this might be the end of keeping it.
JANUARY 3, 2007
Here we are again, the same place, same time, different date. I did something last night. It hurt. When the blood ran down, it was just like nothing, merely existing, like myself. Yet my eyes still got warm and it started streaming down. Now I have something to show as an example of self mutilation. People say it might be wrong, people might say they enjoy it, people might not even know what Im talking about. All I know is that, its out of boredness, when the tears just dry up and theres nothing to think about, it happens. Just like this.
JANUARY 4, 2007
How are you to tell someone somethings important to you, but you cant because you have to please the other one? When you really want them to say “dont wait, just tell me all about it.” How are you to speak when you open your mouth and then nothing comes out? Are you comprehending anything anyone shows, or says? Or are you just doing the “he said, she said?” All I want is that one person, to listen to me cry. Then I could see someone else cry, see there face get red, there eyes warm with water, it all coming down. I dream so much, daydream and night dream is more like it. I never sleep, ever. I only comprehend clips and phrases in those dreams. Ive always wished that I could be normal. But I really am, its just no one can find me.
JANUARY 5, 2007
Last night I thought about something. I want someone to take my picture, I probably wont remember much. I just want someone to focus on me for a mere instant, I want to feel it. Feel eyes on me, feel the camera looking for my right angle, feel the flash make my eyes blink. I want it to pick up all my faults, the pours in my face, the plastic perfection everyone tries to achieve. But I guess you get what you give. In that case, I get nothing. I guess Im just a dreamer in a world of reality.
JANUARY 6, 2007
Its silent. The room is dark. My lungs collapse, Im gasping for air. My body is cold, but everything around me feels like its on fire. Its happening again, the sensation, the pain, the satisfaction to my body. Im yelling, “Someone wake me up,” no one answers. Im all alone. Im shaking, trying to let the air that was never there, in. My eyes are warm, they hurt, my face is wet, salty when it hits my lips. Its done, finished, everything is just right again. All in all, I never felt a thing. Now that the tears have dried up and the pain has fled, Im ready to patch up my vent of anger.
Im lying in my bed, awake as always. Ive been thinking, if I ever die, would anyone notice, would anyone care? Who would come to my funeral, or would I even have one? Yes I know, I have a sick mind, but when you have so much time on your hands, you think about these types of things. Then my mind wonders to him, I have no idea what his name is, who he hangs out with, all I know is that he sits across from me, two seats to the left in English, first period.
JANUARY 7, 2007
Music. My breakthrough to the world. Every emotion bottled up comes out through music. Its a vent. Just like other things. If I didnt have music, Id probably die. Just like the black curtain shutting me away from the world. My favorite bands have to be Bayside, they are nothing short of amazing, Hawthorne Heights and Senses Fail. They sing about everything and more that Im thinking. Music is probably the only thing keep me alive.
JANUARY 8, 2007
Another day. Just like the ordinary. First period, him, silence. He is amazing. Theres a touch on my shoulder, I dont dare look back, I just pull down my sleeves and walk like I felt nothing. I dont look back, I dont flinch but I do know who that touch was from. Him.
Its one of those days where nobodys home and everyone is there, but Im all alone.