Dealing with Loss: The Childhood Perspective in Now and Then
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Does Hollywood portray reality? A connection between the two definitely exists in the coming of age movie, Now and Then. This movie directed by Lesli Linka Glatter, four women look back on the problems they faced during one summer as adolescents. Set in the small, secluded town of Shelby, Indiana, Glatter particularly focuses on two young girls who have experienced loss. Samantha, the main character, deals with her parents divorce, while her friend Roberta deals with her mothers tragic death. These losses deeply affect both girls, causing them to experience several problems as they grieve. The girls realistically illustrate several studied psychological theories about how adolescents handle divorce and death.
Scientists have conducted many studies about adolescents who have lost a parent, especially through divorce. For example, Karl Zinsmeister (1997) reports that shortly after their parents divorce, teenagers demonstrate dependence, disobedience, fear of abandonment, and loss of love (p.30). They also show withdrawal, inattention, and unhappiness. Samantha demonstrates most of these findings accurately after her parents divorce (p.31). When her father leaves, she disobeys her mother and even runs away from home. Also, she often makes bitter remarks about life such as, “I thought it was normal for things to be shitty.” However, she does not experience fear or loss of love, because she leans on her loving friends.
Also, when divorce occurs during adolescence, teenagers have trouble establishing their sexual identity (Bolger et al., 1995; Collins, 1987; Zinsmeister, 1997). They cannot develop intimate relationships (Bolgar et al., 1995), choose inadequate husbands, and have unsuccessful marriages (Zinsmeister, 1997). They often blame themselves for their parents divorce and form resentment towards them (Collins, 1987). Consequently, Samantha resents her mother because she brings home a new man and she still hopes that her parents will get back together. Samantha also has problems dealing with her mothers behavior after the divorce, and she confronts her about the sexy new way she dresses. Later in life, she has trouble establishing healthy relationships with men. She states that she “runs from relationships” and “If you cant fall in love, you cant get hurt.” Samantha always leaves before things get too intense, mimicking her fathers behavior.
To deal with grief caused by separation from a loved one, children should participate in family counseling which will help prevent them from developing psychological disorders later on (Black, 1998). Although Samantha never undergoes counseling, she eventually deals with her parents divorce by talking to others. She finally admits to her best friend, Teeny, about her parents, and cries, a very important step in recovery. In this scene, Teeny gives Samantha a friendship bracelet. Samantha replies that this action “filled her heart with warmth and love.” Samantha admits to the rest of her friends that her parents have divorced, which also aids her recovery because she uses them as a support system. They comfort her and try to help alleviate the pain that she feels.
Samantha also establishes an important friendship with Crazy Pete, which plays an instrumental role in her recovery. Children feared Pete because of his differences, such only coming out at night and avoiding human contact, but Samantha, who also felt different, related to him. Pete gave her some good advice telling her, “You have to take the good with the bad in life.” Samantha, inspired by Petes words, eventually realizes that she needs to move on and take a chance with relationships. Although no research discussed children of divorce finding someone to relate to, this seemed very important in Samanthas recovery.
Another type of grief that children experience stems from the death of a parent. One of the most detrimental experiences a child can have, death of a parent can leave lasting psychological scars. Bereaved children have a higher chance of developing psychiatric disorders such as depression and anxiety (Black, 1998). Research performed by Raveis and his colleagues (1998) showed that girls and younger children have more adjustment problems than boys and older children (p.28). Those children who lose their mother tend to receive less quantity and quality of care and may have more aggressive behaviors (p.29). Roberta demonstrates this type of aggression during the scene where a boy taunts her about her softball abilities. She attacks the boy and beats him up which directly results from the absence of a mother figure. Throughout the movie, Roberta hits her friends when she disagrees or has anger toward them. The anger she holds inside from losing
her mother comes out through these actions.
In another study, Black (1996) reports that parents often mistakenly think that when a family member has died, they should shelter their children from what really happened to protect them (p.4926). This, however, causes more harm than good because young children understand more about death than their parents think (Black, 1996). They also seem to have an idea about heaven and hell. Robertas father mistakenly tells her that angels had swooped her mother off the earth, giving her a child-like viewpoint of her death. This whimsical belief shatters when she finds a newspaper article that gives the details of her mothers violent death in a car accident. The news upsets her greatly, causing her to slam the book and her voice to tremble, illustrating her anger and distress. This scene demonstrates that sheltering a child from death may make things easier on the child in the short run, but eventually they will discover the truth.
In addition to the fact that a parent has died, the cause of death directly affects the severity of the childs psychological problems. Children experience the most difficulty when their parent dies suddenly or violently (Thompson et al., 1998). When a parent dies directly by human action, such as homicide, their child develops more severe, longer lasting problems than children whose parents died of natural causes. These children also demonstrate greater externalized distress, or acting out of emotions (Thompson et al., 1998). Because Robertas mother died in a car crash, which directly relates to human actions, she externalizes her distress. In the attic scene, Roberta finds out about the tragic deaths of Crazy Petes family, which she connects with her mothers death. She says, “Why did they have to die” and begins to violently throw things across the room (to view this scene, click here).
Also, because parents serve as