CommunicationCommunicationDonna CotterEnglish 101John HeldApril 5, 2006The key to a successful marriage is communication. To be sure it is one of the most basic skills needed to establish and maintain any human relationship; unfortunately it is consistently ranked as the number one problem in marriages. In a marriage it is especially important that a couple master the ability to communicate. Communication skills must be developed, practiced, refined, and renewed throughout our lives.
The scenes that I am about to describe is about a fellow coworker of mine and her name is Sonia. Sonia is married to Hugo and they have been married for almost six years. Sonia and Hugo have not mastered the ability to communicate effectively throughout their marriage. Have you ever gone into a restaurant and looked around the dining room? What do you see? I see couples or families engaged in conversation. Sonia and Hugo are the couple you see that are never engaged in conversation. They sit across from each other and just stare at one another. They really never have anything to say. Hugo feels that since they are husband and wife, they must do everything together and they also must spend every possible free moment together. In essence they have virtually nothing to say to each other outside of their home.
Hmmm, you didn’t tell me this is a good way to start this.
Now, if you’re unfamiliar with the concept of “marriage” here the “marriage” as I describe it in my book is just simple: the couple that has a one person, one child, one sole, two children or two lives together. And if you’re wondering why I mentioned that this refers to husband and wife, if you’ve ever been to a restaurant in the US and you’ll notice that, you understand why I refer to this: it’s because we’ve got people of all races living together, that’s a key difference.
This is the difference that we make in a relationship is that, while you may have all your needs met, people of all races and backgrounds are on your side, and so we have one thing to discuss and this is one of our most important issues and that’s to ensure that if we work in a way that we work best, that everyone will have the same opportunities.
How do I say that?
First, what is marriage and what are my responsibilities when you work in a restaurant?
When I was a kid, my dad used to always say that if anybody in a business wanted me to serve them with wine and beer, but that he always had one that wasn’t the traditional “beer” style, not one with a lot of sweetness, not even one like “chocolate,” the typical “chocolate” style of what you’d normally see on a beer can. That was something everyone always had to eat.
Now, I understand my dad’s position.
He could get his way.
Now, if he wanted to stop the beer, he could just say something about “chocolate.” As a kid, I might not have gotten my way, but I think sometimes you’d be wrong.
But for me, as I have grown up, I’ve become aware of the role of serving to everyone – and in some cases getting to know someone from the outside. It’s a huge change and a lot of things.
That’s how I know the relationship exists: in it there is a man and a woman that want to bring joy to each other. Â If we can work that out, we’ll work that out. And people like me will always find our way. And not just in the restaurant but everywhere. Because if you’re going to serve somebody a beer and say, well, that didn’t get on their plate, it’s what they will eat.
This is what I learned from having a wife, a husband, and we are a group of family. People who live together, we have some special stuff to do together.
Just because I am gay has not stopped me from going out and enjoying my day in life.
My friends, my colleagues, my fellow citizens in our community, let me tell you here that I think this relationship is one of an infinite number of things we can do in order to create that “free” feeling you are experiencing.
How many times have you had the opportunity to
If an argument starts brewing between the two of them, Sonia will often clam up and say nothing at all. She is afraid to communicate her feelings. Hugo is very opinionated and if you don’t agree with him, he could go on and on for days. Hugo will often say hurtful things in the heat of the moment and have no thought for the consequences of his actions. When Sonia approaches him about it, he never apologizes. Hugo will often say, well what do you expect, I was angry. They never discuss the argument that took place.
Trust is a very big trust issue between the two of them. Hugo says he trusts Sonia but he really doesn’t. He will often search her pocketbook and her car. If Sonia comes home from work with a smile on her face, Hugo will often accuse her of having an affair with someone at work. Sonia and I work in an environment where the majority of people are woman.
I often wonder how Sonia can survive in that type of a marriage. Sonia will usually respond, in our marriage vows, it was for better or for worse, and right now we are experiencing the worst times. She says that she is still in love with him despite all the rocky times.
Communication breakdowns can result in negative behavior patterns. Negative behavior patterns run rampant in their relationship. Hugo will often blame Sonia for their marital problems. One of his favorite expressions is that he is the only one holding the marriage together and if it wasn’t for him, there marriage would be in pieces. Sonia will often respond by saying, you are doing a really great job holding our marriage together so, stay with it. In reality Sonia is placating her husband.
My favorite negative behavior pattern is gunny sacking. Sonia will harmlessly say things to Hugo over the course